Not only do I not do well with change, I do not do well in situations where I'm bad at something. This is why I don't play volleyball or draw or cook or yodel (unless I'm watching the Price is Right yodeler). I've been teaching (3 on 1) at Sylvan for the last two weeks, and every night I leave questioning how I have successfully made it to the age of 28 because I'm so STUPID. Teaching 1 on 3 is a challenge, but I thought I would have a rhythm down by now. This just in: I don't. I know, I know--I'll get it soon. Then I start wondering, 'What if I don't? What if I am the first Sylvan employee who gets fired because she just simply never got it? What if the CitPat gets a hold of the story and erroneously reports it (as I'm sure they would)? What if I DIE FROM BEING FIRED FROM SYLVAN FOR BEING THE CRAPPIEST TEACHER THEY'VE EVER EMPLOYED?! And then I get swine flu?' Then my sense of self-importance pops because there's no more room for it to grow. So there's that.
I'm also teaching a 3 credit class at SAU this fall. Basically the course helps college freshmen become acclimated to college. I teach for an hour and a half on Mondays and Wednesdays. Also, I'm the most moronic person they've ever hired to teach the class. I'm just waiting on the statistical evidence to confirm this report. It will be out shortly. Okay, maybe this isn't true, but it feels true. Again, I know I just need to get in the swing of things and everything will seem much better, but right now life is somewhat opaque. I don't know what I'm doing and that scares me and sends me into a carb-loaded, saturated fat tailspin.
Okay, for those of you who have stuck with this post to this point (those working on sainthood), thank you. There are several reasons as to why I seem to be overcome by this sense of melancholy: 1. My daily dosage of Ben has been low this week as his job has been so crazy, 2. Eli is sick and not sleeping well, which equals me not sleeping well, 3. I am now sick, 4. I stepped in mud on my way to a meeting yesterday (for which I was running late), 5. Some other stuff that I don't want to write on the Internet (not trying to be cryptic...it's just not really my business to share), and 6. (the most likely impetus for my blues) I finished cleaning out my classroom this week--and met my replacement.
Not returning to WCA has really hit me hard this week. I love LOVE teaching. I'm good at teaching. More than that, I love my students. They're hormonal, they're whiny, their moods change hourly, they lash out at people who challenge them...and I LOVE them. They're also sweet and grateful and brilliant and hilarious and sentimental and spectacular and promising. I miss them, and I didn't think I was going to miss them this much, but I do. The teacher who replaced me is a retired HS English teacher and seems uber-nice (weird side note: she also drives an Element--how bizarre is that?) but I can't help but feel that she is trespassing on my turf. This is ridiculous, I know.
Again, I know that the path I am currently on is the right one, and the Lord is with us every step of the way. I come home to a little boy who smiles so big at the sound of my voice and reaches out for me, and then everything makes sense. I come home to a supportive, patient husband. I come home to food in my pantry and cozy accouterments. Life is just in transition right now, which is difficult. I have to meet all this change head on and know that I will come out on the other side (hopefully without contracting swine flu).