Saturday, September 5, 2009

Melancholy Musings (warning: whining ahead)

Remember this post where I mentioned how much I loathe love change? Okay, let me preempt this by saying I 100% feel I made the right decision to stay home with Eli. I do not regret it and will never regret it; I am immensely enjoying my time at home with him. That being said, these past two weeks have been a little rough (self-worth wise).

Not only do I not do well with change, I do not do well in situations where I'm bad at something. This is why I don't play volleyball or draw or cook or yodel (unless I'm watching the Price is Right yodeler). I've been teaching (3 on 1) at Sylvan for the last two weeks, and every night I leave questioning how I have successfully made it to the age of 28 because I'm so STUPID. Teaching 1 on 3 is a challenge, but I thought I would have a rhythm down by now. This just in: I don't. I know, I know--I'll get it soon. Then I start wondering, 'What if I don't? What if I am the first Sylvan employee who gets fired because she just simply never got it? What if the CitPat gets a hold of the story and erroneously reports it (as I'm sure they would)? What if I DIE FROM BEING FIRED FROM SYLVAN FOR BEING THE CRAPPIEST TEACHER THEY'VE EVER EMPLOYED?! And then I get swine flu?' Then my sense of self-importance pops because there's no more room for it to grow. So there's that.

I'm also teaching a 3 credit class at SAU this fall. Basically the course helps college freshmen become acclimated to college. I teach for an hour and a half on Mondays and Wednesdays. Also, I'm the most moronic person they've ever hired to teach the class. I'm just waiting on the statistical evidence to confirm this report. It will be out shortly. Okay, maybe this isn't true, but it feels true. Again, I know I just need to get in the swing of things and everything will seem much better, but right now life is somewhat opaque. I don't know what I'm doing and that scares me and sends me into a carb-loaded, saturated fat tailspin.

Okay, for those of you who have stuck with this post to this point (those working on sainthood), thank you. There are several reasons as to why I seem to be overcome by this sense of melancholy: 1. My daily dosage of Ben has been low this week as his job has been so crazy, 2. Eli is sick and not sleeping well, which equals me not sleeping well, 3. I am now sick, 4. I stepped in mud on my way to a meeting yesterday (for which I was running late), 5. Some other stuff that I don't want to write on the Internet (not trying to be cryptic...it's just not really my business to share), and 6. (the most likely impetus for my blues) I finished cleaning out my classroom this week--and met my replacement.

Not returning to WCA has really hit me hard this week. I love LOVE teaching. I'm good at teaching. More than that, I love my students. They're hormonal, they're whiny, their moods change hourly, they lash out at people who challenge them...and I LOVE them. They're also sweet and grateful and brilliant and hilarious and sentimental and spectacular and promising. I miss them, and I didn't think I was going to miss them this much, but I do. The teacher who replaced me is a retired HS English teacher and seems uber-nice (weird side note: she also drives an Element--how bizarre is that?) but I can't help but feel that she is trespassing on my turf. This is ridiculous, I know.

Again, I know that the path I am currently on is the right one, and the Lord is with us every step of the way. I come home to a little boy who smiles so big at the sound of my voice and reaches out for me, and then everything makes sense. I come home to a supportive, patient husband. I come home to food in my pantry and cozy accouterments. Life is just in transition right now, which is difficult. I have to meet all this change head on and know that I will come out on the other side (hopefully without contracting swine flu).

5 comments:

Sara Luke said...

Not to try and give you an "answer" but once you get settled into a schedule, I think things will be better, psychologically speaking. Change, even good change, can be rough and take time to seem normal. But you know that already.

I think that having lunch with me this week would also help tremendously, if I do say so myself. :)

rachel said...

I'm sorry, J-unit. :/ I'll be praying for this transitional period of your life. I can't imagine what it would feel like to hand over your classroom - the lives you've invested in - to someone else. I used to have dreams after I got laid off from Last Chance that I went back to visit and the school was remarkably successful because I'd left (as in, high-tech computer labs & cooperative students!). I'm praying for you & I love you!!

Chrystal said...

For what it's worth, I admire you for choosing to stay home with Eli. I may come to you for advice and encouragement when my time comes. :) I'll be praying that God gives you grace to get throught this period.

melissa said...

I'll be praying for you girl! I am not pregnant or anything but when we do have children I am planning on making the same decision. I am already having difficulty thinking about leaving what I love to do. God is good and he will bless you for obeying what he has layed on you and Ben's heart.

ann said...

Jeanette -- I also stay home now, which is something new and different. I've been working (other than when I was out of commission for about a year) since I was 15. This is definitely hard, but it's worth it. It's totally much harder than I thought it would be.