Sunday, May 24, 2009

Sarcasm is the Refuge of Losers

There are very few things in life that I do well. I've accepted the fact that I will never play volleyball well (or enjoy it); I'm not sure I'll ever pronounce the words "macabre" or "automaton" correctly. I may never understand the popularity of Euchre (somewhere the entire state of Michigan gasps). And the verdict is still out on cooking.

One of my strengths (if you can call it that), however, is one that I've come to cherish. This little strength has got me through many an awkward moment and allowed me to develop great friendships. I'm not sure at what age I realized I had this strength, but it's always been a loyal favorite. To what am I referring? The gift of sarcasm. That's right, internet. It's why I chose to teach high school instead of elementary (that and I don't like tattle-tales). It's why my mom and I have so much fun going to the mall or why my sister and I like going to Jackson's Wal-Mart.

Over the last week, I've developed a list of my favorite things: the sarcastic edition. What's that, Internet? Are you asking why I don't have anything better to do with my time? I mean why don't I just fill out the plethora of quizzes on Facebook? Well, Internet, I developed this list on my way to and from work to avoid falling asleep at the wheel and careening into a tree or cow.

So without further it is--my list of my favorite things: the sarcastic edition.

1. Going outside and having gale force winds attack my hair.
2. Driving through constant gale force winds with an aero-dynamic box
3. Michigan's constant windy days
4. Getting up at 5:00 a.m. for work--love it.
5. Driving 35 minutes to work--it's the best.
6. Driving behind tractors
7. My relationship with gravity (just call me "The Dropper")
8. Late-night television (what am I supposed to watch whilst feeding my son?)
9. Hard water stains
10. Leaving my son for work
11. Wal-Mart
12. People who drive those scooters at Wal-Mart
13. Those Time Life commercials
14. Folding laundry
15. The $5 footlong Subway commercials
17. Balancing the checkbook
18. The misuse of "good" and "well"
19. Dangling prepositions
20. People who start papers with "My paper is about" or "In this paper I am going to write about"
21. Shaving my legs
22. Rose City Motors commercials
23. People at Wal-Mart who yell at their children for NO REASON!
24. Poor dental hygiene
25. Apathy
26. Smoking (why don't you just stick your mouth on the tail pipe of your car...mmmmm)
27. Scary movies
28. When people say "acrosst" or "flustrated" or "I seen it" or "elemen-TARY"
29. People who whisper (loudly) "witty" commentary at the movies
30. Back sweat

Saturday, May 23, 2009

Dear Postpartum Body

Dear Postpartum Body,

We are not friends. I was prepared for changes. I mean you can't carry around a 7 lb baby and not expect changes, but come on. Let's talk about the massive amounts of hair that fall out with each shower. What's that about? And the gas? Um, it was "cute" when I could blame it on the pregnancy, but now it's just disgusting. I'm pretty sure Ben has a call into his lawyer. You even attacked my fingers. I didn't think fingers could gain weight.

I remember the days of normal looking hips and a tummy that didn't jiggle when I walked. Gone are the days when I could eat pizza for every meal and be okay. Gone are the days when Jujyfruits sufficed as a meal. I didn't really get a chance to say goodbye. I think that's what makes it the hardest.

Well, I hope you're enjoying yourself, fatty. I hope you're having a great time because the laughs are about to end. I plan to resurrect pre-baby body. That's right. If I have to limit my pizza intake to once a week, I'm willing to make that sacrifice. If I have to nix Oreos, I will do it. You will not beat me.


Sunday, May 10, 2009

First Mother's Day

"Whatever else is unsure in this stinking dunghill of a world a mother's love is not."
- James Joyce

(Better words I could not have said myself, Mr. Joyce)